Thursday, 7 June 2012
Good morning..well actually it's not all that 'good.' I have my five year old with tonsillitis which scared the hell out of me yesterday as a rash appeared. Now perhaps nobody else flaps quite as much as me when they see a rash but I was a woman possessed with a glass tumbler. I cannot tell you how many times I checked those spots to see if they 'blanched.' I almost neared the point of phoning an ambulance (even though they did disappear under pressure, well I think they did, cue ocd) when I was very sensible and called my doctors who said they would see her at 7pm. It was a few hours of dinner, check spots, bath, check spots, call husband ("hurry the bloody up"), check spots and finally shoes on and all clamber in the car. Doc was fantastic and reassuring-ah my favourite word-and said was a viral rash and she needs antibiotics. Then I finally stopped worrying, although tonsillitis still has me insisting on tucking her up in bed with me and checking her fever all night. Poor baby, never really complained, and actually seems on the mend now. And relax....until your husband wakes you to say he is 'dying' in the night. 'Dying?' try labour, try two emergency sections, try nine months of walking around like an elephant. Funny how my sympathy doesn't reach to man flu, but I did make him breakfast and coffee, gave him lots of drugs and sent him on his merry way to work :)
So ocd this week..well apart from the 'rash' all was not bad until I decided I wanted to watch a scary movie. Now, I am strange that I like scary movies but they must not be a certain theme. I can't see anything about mental health, loss of control, people possessed-hmmm the list could be longer. So this can be quite limiting especially if you haven't done your research and decide to just go with the flow for a nice movie night and bottle of white. Enter 'Woman in Black.' I was all cosy on the sofa when the opening scene was three children-my mind started ticking at this point- and all of a sudden they get up, walk to the window and jump out. Now this is my worst nightmare. Instantly I look at my hubby, he looks at me 'Don't panic, it's just a film.' Me: "oh no, oh no." My ocd voice: " what if I do that, what if I have no control and just get up and jump out the window? I don't want to die, I don't want to do that."
I am so annoyed at myself, my illness, my impulsiveness. One dvd choice, one moment and it can change moments, months or my life. However I was lucky this time. The thought stayed for a while, I sat on my hands, tried not to move did all those things that are actually 'compulsions' really for a pure o sufferer, but then I got up and walked around. This seemed to ease the though, it relinquished my belief that of course I was in control. It was just a film. It was not real. Yes things like that can happen, but I have not got psychosis. I am not suicidal. I have ocd and ocd will not make me do anything I don't want to do. I AM IN CONTROL.
I'm going to leave it there as I think that is the perfect line to end today's blog. Let's believe in ourselves. We can do this.